The...TRUTH #41 - Back Issue

The complete, unadulterated, unabridged, all-American, unbiased, wholesome, honest to goodness, plain and simple TRUTH (cyberpunk edition) i feel summer creeping in & i'm tired of this town again Issue 00041 Chaos 50, 3160

LEFT HANDED SLIGHT IN MARQUETTE?

The Marquette school board is feeling some pressure to fire a school teacher that some people say is left-handed. School officials aren't releasing the name of the teacher for fear of unwanted publicity but they are giving the thought serious consideration. "It's a documented fact that left-handed people live an average of ten years less than right-handers," said a school official, "They're just accident prone and uncoordinated." "I think it's sick and unnatural!" said Betty Bluehair of the Parent Teacher Aglomeration, "I don't want a left-handed person teaching my chilren how to write. They just want to recruit our children into their alternative lifestyle." "Jesus wasn't left-handed," said Harve

Janonk--President of Stalkers for Jesus, "Neither were any of the disciples." "I just don't believe in special rights for anyone who chooses to live an openly left-handed lifestyle," said Bluehair. "Do you know what the word 'sinister' means? It means left-handed!" raved Janonk, "What kind of a compliment is a left-handed compliment? No compliment at all!" "Being left-handed is not a choice," said a left-handed person who wished to remain anonymous, "Why would I choose a lifestyle that involved hatred, malice, and having to write funny? As for lefties having shorter lifespans: It's a matter of living in a right-handed world. They don't make left-handed cars. I'm lucky if I can find a pair of left-handed scissors!" "When I see two lefties kissing on the street, it just makes me ill," said Bluehair. "What do you expect form a school whose nickname is the Redmen and principal's name is Lawless?" asked Sami the Jerk.

Inside this issue: Joe Hall: "My secret? Hooked on Phonics"
Shocker! Restoration of Longyear Hall--$$$ found!
Revised Purity Test Question: "Have you ever been engaged to Matt Surrell?"
Plus we ignore Dan Jansen!

LIMP A MILE IN MY REEBOKS, PAL!

In a surprising development, the staff of the NorthWind and the ASNMU governing board have switched places. Since Greg Wrathje couldn't run student government and his VP was nowhere to be found, the positions have been eliminated from ASNMU and Wendy Warstein (current ASNMU treasurer) has been tapped as NorthWind editor-in-chief. Joe Schmoe is ASNMU treasurer. "I bet he doesn't know the first thing about general ledgers," Warstein said, "and now we'll see what he will do about the book sale." Wrathje will be editor of sports. "I can't possibly step on anyone's toes if I just report scores," He said, "Plus, I can always be pro-Northern!"

When asked how he felt about taking care of all the student money, Schmoe said, "Um, well...it's a lot of numbers. I'm having Larry look over everything before I report to the board. I think I will be able to take all the books that didn't sell back to the bookstore myself though," he said beating his chest with pride. "Pretend you're all in features and get in touch with your constituencies," said a departing ASNMU rep to his replacements, "We know this will be hard for you news reporters since you never bothered to talk to anyone, but I have confidence you'll make the transistion."

Ed Ben-wa resigned immediately saying, "Joe never expected this much from me. I fear change." The first conflict between groups came when Schmoe realized that there wasn't enough money in the budget to take out several overpriced ads in the NorthWind to publicize ASNMU projects like the ASNMU plan to move all Student Activity Fee funds to sports. "Sports are um good." said Schmoe, "Students like scores. Scores aren't confusing. No one wants to...um, y'know, know all about that confusing stuff."

BARE DERRIERES PROMISED IN ANTI-PHILIP MORRIS PROTEST "Skin to Win," Says Group

"We stopped John McGoff back in the '80s, and we can stop Philip Morris today!" So said a spokesperson for Dirty Money Off Campus, in response to the news that the tobacco-based conglomerate had provided a grant for NMU. "Ten thousand, fifty thousand, a hundred thousand--we don't know how much is involved, but we don't care; it's dirty money, and we don't want it!"

To focus public opinion on the grant, DMOC is planning a "Butt Out!" demonstration for early next month. "We're going to get a group of right-thinking students and staff together, surround the Learning Resources Center and moon them. Our motto will be, 'Stick it out to stick it to Philip Morris." Farting in unison will also be encouraged. When asked whether benefits to the program might make up for the fact that the money is generated from profits made on tobacco and alcohol, among other products, the spokesperson stated, "Hey, those McGoff Lecturers we chased off campus may have had something to say, too, but that's irrelevant. If we want NMU to remain the bastion of pure ethical standards that it is, we may just have to throw the baby out with the bathwater."

The spokesperson admitted that continuing cold weather may pose a problem, but assured the...Truth that the protest would proceed regardless. "If we have to, we'll spread some of that bear grease that Bookbinders is passing off as Power Pizza on our rears while we're out there--it makes for pretty good insulation--and wipe them off with the latest issue of the NorthWind when we come inside," she said.

NorthWind staffers were said to be supportive of the proposed action, since, as one anonymous business manager put it, "at least the paper will be of some use to the community for once."

BTW...

C'mon Benoit pull your head out of your ass! A white guy criticizes a mostly black group and then expects us to sympathize with him when they bust his ass for racism? He didn't criticize the sororities for being all women, he didn't criticise the Native American clubs for being all Native American, he didn't criticise the Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual Student Union for being only gay/lesbian/bisexual. Hell, he didn't even criticise Project E*L*F for being all Erisian. We'd like to invite Brothers of X, United Sisters, and Ebony Excellence to join us. Goddess knows, ASNMU and the NorthWind aren't going to help you.

We meet at noon every weekday at the back table in the UCFC (pronouced ukfuk). The U.P. Rainbow gathering is being held June 1, 1994--call Christopher (249-9098) for details. If you know Chris, pass along to him that we want him to keep us up-to-date on preparations--our address is listed below. The first thing you should do if you've recently changed your name and want to change it on your university records: Forget it! We know one person who's filled the forms out three times to no avail.

U.P. dating service strikes! Mining Journal setting a fine example of journalistic integrity by preying off of the same feelings of isolation that've made phone sex popular.

Public Enemy 90 fell about $20,000 short of their goal of $50,000. Does that mean they're going off the air? NO. Oh, well--we'll try again next time.

A big stink was made about WPUX wanting to do fundraising on the air. Let's reconsider: Imagine Stan Wright and Jim Russell-Parks begging for money. Okay, now imagine Chris and Chris begging for money....

Sigma Tau Delta's literary journal The Dark Tower is accepting submissions. We're sure that the Dark Tower will join The...Left Bank Chronical, Labyrinth, and Alternative Worlds as another fine example of NMU student publishing. Say what you want about The...TRUTH, at least it exists!

Speaking of literature the Coughee Hows is having a poetry slam. The Poetry slam is to serious writing what mudwrestling is to serious athletics Speaking of literature Kathy Acker is coming to campus. Do you care? If poetry slam is mudwrestling than Acker is the Hulk Hogan of the literary world.

The biggest obstacle to writing for The...TRUTH is writing. If you would like to write something for this rag, you may send it to:

Erisian Liberation Flank (or you can address it to "Project E*L*F" if you like asteriks) box 43 Student Activities Office, Northern Michigan University, Marquette, MI 49855

On campus mail is free, please abuse it. We prefer however that you send your submissions E-mail (it's easier to download to pagemaker than retyping) you can send your electronic submissions to POLSON@NMUMUS.bitnet. "Print is dead."

Opinions expressed in The...TRUTH are not necessarily the opinions of NMU, Project E*L*F, it's members, advisors, sponsors etc. In fact--they may not even be the opinion of the people who wrote the articles-- especially after editing.

MORE OF THIS CRAP

Editor's note: I really can't believe we're printing more of this trash. I thought we were done looking at theology when Ted Slater flunked the Writing Proficiency Exam. Oh, well...here we go. We're all gonna be pissed if we get expelled for pamphleteering. Okay boys and girls, today we're going to explore the notion of Satan, King of the Demons, Temptor of Nude Women in Gardens and All Around Ultimate Bad Guy. Or is he?

Even biblically it is not necessarily clear that Satan is evil and going against the will of God. Take the story of Job, for instance. As you know, Job has a run of bad luck caused by Satan. His entire flock of goats gets killed, his house is destroyed in an earthquake. All of his chilrden are killed and he is given a king-hell case of acne. Why? Because Satan and God made what amounts to a bet that Job wouldn't be all that devout if all he had was taken away. They were trying to make him curse the name of God and be eternally damned. Poor Job got caught in the niddle. So where does Satan come in for the rest of us?

Gnostic philosophy implies that God uses Satan to do the dirty work necessary for the just running of the Universe. Improper human conduct must be punished but God prefers to have Satan do the punishing so that He can save face and keep the reputation of ultimate good.

So let's take this one step further. Maybe God and Satan are two sides of the same being. Oz the great and terrible with absolute power, a bad sense of humor, and a jealous streak. If you can accept God appearing as Father, Son, and Holy Ghost--why not throw the Bad Guy into the works too? Hey, why stop there? Why not Father, Son, Holy Ghost, Satan, Buddha, Rama, Krishna, Shiva, Cernunos, Diana, Eris, etc. etc. etc.?

Please send your furious responses to our address which is somewhere in this rag. In the interest of fair play we will print an opposing viewpoint of equal articulation. Fnord.

FROM OUR FOREIGN CORRESPONDENTS

ASNMU. the Association of Senseless Neophyte Morons United, are a force to be laughed at. But, fear not. There is something to look forward to: A young man, full of vigor and good intentions, with the fire of liberalism burning within his soul, has come forward to return ASNMU to what they should rightfully be. Bob Boivon: House Pres., Hall Rep., Food Service Rep., and ASNMU Quad 2 rep for a year now. He suggests such widesweeping reforms as a rehauling of the ASNMU constitution and restructuring of the on-campus representative positions. Boivon's running for the President's position. We'll have to keep our eyes on him.

From: raymond mannila

From the weather office at Bowling Green State University it is a balmy 57 degrees. I am now wearing my spring jacket. Freeze suckers!!!
Do you know why people get Ph. D.'s? If you do please tell me, there is a whole department of people down here just dying to know.
Did you know that Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan are lovers? They set this entire scheme up for the dough. After all the money is raked in, the two will fly off to Albertville. But little does Tonya know, Nancy has already shacked up with fellow ice skater Scott Davis. They intend to leave Tonya in the lurch and then to arrange a marriage of convenience sothey may pursue they're alternative lifestyles under the guise of heterosexuality. (By the way, when the TV comes out about this true and honest-to-God story, Richard Gere and his wife Cindy Crawford have already agreed to play the parts of Davis and Kerrigan, with Lily Tomlin playing the beleaguered Tonya.) Just the remember, you heard here first. This the Hollywood Outsider, reporting for The . . . Truth.

COMING IN MARCH ON PUBLIC TV 13: TV Worth Watching!

The Barney Nobody Knows - Famous dinosaur admits, "Purple haze mixed with steroids--I'll never do that again!"
Manage Trois, with Chocolate - Julia Child, Graham Kerr, and Jeff ("Frugal Gourmet") Smith--mixing it up on the kitchen table!
Dancing With the Devil - How satanic rituals almost destroyed the Lawrence Welk family!

MY WEEKEND IN MASTURBATION LAND (off the cuff notes)

Hey! isn't this Michael Jackson's theme park?
All right -- where are the rides?
Wow -- this isn't as lonely a place as I'd thought it would be!
So, why did Eric feel that he needed to go all the way to Seattle?
Hey! Isn't this Peewee Herman's theme park?
At least Mary will never find me here... oh -- DAMN!
Hey Ed! I'm over here!
Beats the hell out of Trout Creek!
How come I don't _feel_ like a Jerry Garcia solo?
Hmmm... oh well -- at least you can't beat the time...
No, I don't want your stinkin' pamphlet
Mmmm! I smell Hruska!
Is that _your_ video camera?
Tonya, Tonya Tonya!

"NMU 100" SCHEDULED FOR NEXT WINTER

Hoping to cash in on the popularity of regional dogsled races, the NMU English Department has announced it will sponsor a special "NMU 100" race next year. "Hey, we've got plenty of dogs here, as everybody knows," said an unnamed faculty member.

Plans currently underway call for teams of two to race around Elizabeth Harden Circle Drive 100 times, with the race to be called after six hours should no team reach that mark. Early favorites include the Hugh Andrews/Maureen ("Mighty Mo") Andrews duo ("if we can decide which of us will be the lead dog, that is"), and the Les Foster/Tom Hruska team, a unique mix of staying power and macho verve. Rumors that Mary Nault would be coming out of retirement to team up with Maggie "The Musher" Britton proved to be unfounded, since there was no time for them to learn any new tricks.

Spectators are expected to line the route, hurling encouragement and choice epithets at the contestants. Head official Dave Goldsmith announced that entrants would be judged not only on elapsed time, but also on grammar, sentence structure, diction, paragraphing, and syntax. "And for ten dollars," he added, "we'll let them go around again."

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