The...TRUTH #38 - Back Issue

The complete, unadulterated, unabridged, all-American, unbiased, wholesome, honest to goodness, plain and simple TRUTH (cyberpunk edition) Vol. 16 oz., No. 3, Aftermath 57, 3159

i will so offend as to make offense an art.

WE'RE NO ONE!

Facility Operations have announced that Northern Michigan University has been selected to participate in a bold scientific experiment. The experiment will commence when the new tunnels and walkways connecting all buildings on campus are completed. At that time, all the doors off campus will be locked and everyone at NMU will be sealed in for two years.

"I wonder if the theater majors would even notice," said Sami the Jerk (lifestyles editor for The...TRUTH), "They're here all the time anyway. They have bunk beds set up in the hallway by the scene shop, so they don't even have to go back to their rooms." "Promotions would be strictly limited to attrition, that is, death," said an academic senator.

"Great--like competition in the English department isn't nasty enough.," said Sami.

"This place is too cold for hell. I'll Devil-porter it no further: I had thought to have let in some of all professions that go the primrose way to everlasting bonfire," (II, 3, 19-22) said the admissions director. The high freshman dropout rate has been planned for. "Dropouts will get to work in the cafeteria preparing our staple food--Soylent Green," said food service bigwig Sue Bootandahalf, "Think of it as thrift, as a gift, if you get my drift. The students lovett! I'm sure we'll come up with some modest proposal to deal with children who are born here, too."

"Many people are opposed to this because they think it will increase competitiveness. But hey, our best grad students only score in the 30th percentile nationwide, I think this shithole could stand to be a little more competitive," said Sami.

No students will be allowed to either leave or enter NMU when it is sealed, but like its predecessor, BIOSPHERE2, NMU will still be able to get pizza delivered.

Inside: Run while you can! MORTON DOWNEY JR. coming to campus!
Shocker: North Wind still looking for people to deliver secretaries.
End of an Era: Ray Mannila 1984-1993 Good luck with the phd, ray.
Plus we ignore volleyball! (it's high time somebody did)

We know a lot of you think Ed Neimi is the biggest prong on campus. Much of this is our doing. Goddess knows, after all the bad things we've said, I'd hate to fall into his clutches in a disciplinary sense. So as a hedge against that and in keeping with our new "kinder, gentler" image here's a copy of a recent log of Ed Niemi's day.

8:00 Tell student that he is expelled.
8:15 Tell student that he is expelled.
8:30 Tell student that she is expelled.
8:45 Tell student that his mother is dead.
9:00 Smoke break.
9:05 Tell student that he cannot withdraw during exam week.
9:15 Tell student that he is expelled.
9:30 Tell pregnant student that the counseling center is on the second floor.
9:45 Smoke break.
9:55 Tell student that I will not buy back his books.
10:00 Tell student that he is expelled.
10:15 Tell student that he is expelled and that his mother is dead.
10:30 Smoke break.
10:50 Tell student that she is expelled.
11:05 Tell student that he is expelled, he becomes enraged and attacks me--throws my neck out again.
12:25 Eat lunch in Emergency Room.
3:20 Out of E.R. but now way behind schedule. Call seven students together and expell them en masse.
3:45 Smoke break.
4:15 Decline student who asks for $3000.
4:30 Smoke break.
5:00 Read mail.
5:30 Tell the rest of the students to be expelled to come back tommorrow.
5:45 Leave for the day.

A new piece of equipment is being put into neimi's office: a chute that he can activate do dispose of students who come to his office with problems like: "I hate school," "I'm going to kill myself," "I'm afraid my roommate is going to kill him/her self," "My girlfriend is pregnant," "I'm pregnant," "My ex-girlfriend is pregnant," "I think I'm pregnant," and "I don't feel like I belong." This chute will deposite the student in John MacDevitt's office on a pile of comfy cushions.

SAMI THE JERK

We all love football,
Bomb, kill, hurt, oof!
We all love football,
Rape, maim, loot, ahh!
Yes, football is the game that we adore"
--Monty Python.

I heard a rumor that the football team may be abolished. I thought, "yeah, right. They'll stop football when they stop handing out grades." But why did I doubt it? They tore down the Berlin wall. Maybe we're ready to do way with another anacronism of the Cold War. The title 9 controversy is just the excuse to unload that piece of trash. We all know that a disproportionate percentage of gang rapes are perpetrated by members of sports teams, the same is true of mass beatings. but what benifits do we derive from having this voilent, archaic sport?

School pride: many schools around the conference that can't beat anyone else come and beat the Wildcats. Bars and Liquor stores depend on the sports teams and their slovenly fans. This keeps beer prices down for the rest of us. Grade curve: stupid football players keep the grade curve down so we all get higher grades.

What about sports medicine? Orthopedics, chiropactors, and emergency room doctors depend on sports for a living. I suppose we need to keep football. This is the U.P. after all, we can't go storming off into the twenty-first century, while the rest of town is saying, "Y'know, I heard they're letting homosexuals enroll at NMU." It's too bad, really. The Board of Control is thinking about putting the money into academics. Well, we can't have that, either. I looked to see if they covered this controversy anywhere else, but then I thought, "What? is Joe (the ugliest cheerleader) Hall going to tell us they're thinking of getting rid of football?" You folks are just gonna have to write or call ASNMU and explain to them that you want to keep football. Their number is 227-2452.

GIVE 'EM A RING! GIVE 'EM ALL A RING! GIVE THE ASSISTANT COACHES A RING! GIVE BUBBA A RING! GIVE JIM MOORE A RING! HAVE JIM MOORE GIVE GEORGE CARLIN A RING! GIVE GREGG BEUKEMA A RING! GIVE ANDREA GOMMANS FROM THE NETHERLANDS TWO RINGS! GIVE 'EM ALL A RING! EVERYBODY GETS A RING! GIVE FATHER CAPO ANOTHER RING! ROWENA JONES GETS A RING! TOM HRUSKA GETS A RING! MORE RINGS! EVERYBODY GETS ONE! GIVE JIM AND RAY A RING! EACH! END

Next semester, the long overdue and anxiously awaited liberation of GONZO MEDIA will commence!

Here is a TRUTH exclusive: A preview of the Gonzo Media schedule. Believe us, you'll hear more about it next semester.
1/20 Reservoir Dogs
1/27 Sweetie, Orlando
2/03 Poison, Scorpio Rising & Skull Duggery
2/10 Breathless, L' Argent, Thanatopsis &Crocus
2/17 The Sacrifice, Transparency & Flower Child
3/10 Stroszek, Why Does Herr R. Run Amok?, Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe & Dracula and the Babysitter
3/17 Camera Buff, Still Life With Barbie, Hardcore Home Movies & Sexual Meditation: Hotel
3/24 Death by Hanging, Muddy River, AI (love) & Orange
4/04 Persona, Crimes and Misdemeanors, Breakfast, The Club, Become An Artist, & New York Near Sleep For Saskia
4/11 M. Butterfly, Chinese Firedrill & Oh, Dem Watermellons

DOPE SMOKING WIERDO LECTURES

The excitement was high even before Jack Herer took the stage. Even with suspiciously minimal advertising, 586 people was the official count. The normal people were well outnumbered by the NORML people. A refugee from the Greatful Dead entourage took the stage, and quickly announced...JACK.

For the next hour and a half, this refugee hippie told us of this miracle plant. Some of us had heard about how good this plant was for everything from food to building and fueling cars, but we assumed the people telling us were stoned. Jack not only was lucid, he had facts and personal stories to back up everything. The most mind-blowing thing was when he did audience polls, which he could have in no way influenced. "How many people here have smoked pot over 100 times?", he asked of the crowd, and 66-75% of the room raised their hands. He proved how government studies proved how pot makes you drive better, does not cause violent behavior, clears up heart disease, does not cause cancer, and may even increase your brain cells. The only problem with it, he points out, is its illegality. (Well, DUH.) Even straight people who were required to attend for a class were impressed by the stupidity of this country in the past 60 years.

Things can be made from the hemp plant, too. To prove it, he was wearing a suit made out of mostly hemp, with hemp shoes and a hemp book bag, containing the German translation of his book (which, of course, was 100% hemp.) Canvas sails for ships were made from hemp, as canvas is the Dutch pronunciation of cannabis. Hemp was the #1 souce for just about everything up to the 18th century, and continued strong until the government decided it was BAD FOR YOU!

Since then, this information has not been taught to schoolchildren, because it might "corrupt" them. To refute rumors to the contrary, the proposition (California Hemp Initiative) that was passed out before the lecture to some was not on hemp paper. But, he claims, the actual legislation will be. We tried to find out how to secure hemp paper for this issue, to no luck. Sorry. However, he did tell us that all foreign currency is printed on hemp paper. So, go to a bank and find the cheapest, largest currency you can (say, the peso or the yen), and you've got money to burn (and probably a govenment agency following you.)

He is one of the nine people in the USA to be recieving legal marijuana from the U.S. government. He reports it to be up to U.S. Government standards on everything- as bad as it could possibly be. However, being a hemp activist, you know this guy's got some major connections, which is probably why Platform Personalities wanted him to visit in the first place. I asked Jack if he has smoked some doobage with anybody from Platform Personalities. At this, the P.P. guy standing behind him jumped in to give the most emphatic "no comment" I've seen since Nixon. I backed off, knowing The Fear when I see it. But Jack, in an informative but elusive style, said "The...Truth of the matter is, if I pulled out a pipe," he said, pulling out a small bong from an easily-accessible, 100% hemp pocket, "and offered to smoke with you, would you refuse?" Well, would you?

We'd like to thank Platform Personalities nonetheless for bringing Jack Herer to campus. Considering their recent schedule, it'll be another 2-3 years for another weirdo to hit campus (the Leary-Liddy debate two years ago; Abbie Hoffman in the late 80's). With the massive turnout, maybe we can see more freaks hitting campus? (Jack Herer's book, The Emperor Wears No Clothes, can be bought mail-order through several ads in High Times magazine. However, the only place to get that is in the Sensual Arts. If you don't want to look like a pervert, try and get it from the NMU Bookstore. They were doing a special on "Banned Books", so if they don't do it, call `em hypocrites.)

A recent conversation with a "Current Writer" for "A Local Campus Newspaper" has disclosed some interesting "Behind The Scenes" stuff.

"There've been some editorial decisions coming down from way up high," said the reporter

"Sometimes I think they (other reporters) are more concerned with the fact that they are students than they are with journalistic integrity." Do the businesses that place the ads call the shots? "Oh, yes! Definitely!"

And how about Interim Whatever-The Hell She Wants To Be, Karen Reese?

"Oh, uh-huh! Definitely!"

Maintenance Field Marshall Ben Klein?

"Whoah, Doctor! Definitely!"

Former Bowling Club Advisor, Andy Wasilewski? "Yeeps and Jeeps, Man! Definitely!"

Elevator Expert Matt Surreal?

"whoo-whoo! You Betcha! Definitely!"

Ass-kicker Andrea Gommans From The Netherlands? "Call A Medic! Definitely!"

NEW CLASS OFFERED

Have you ever had one of those days where nothing was going right? Have you ever had on e of those days where little, yellow different, just wasn't working? Have you ever had one of those days where all you did was carry around a "scream ball"? If you answered "yes" to all three of these questions, or even if you didn't, them NMU's newest liberal arts class, Digging 101, is for you! Now all students can learn how to relieve thier frustrations by learning how to dig a mamoth size hole in any ground surface.

In this class, the students will first learn how to locate the perfect place to build their hole. The ideal place would be in the middle of a major roadway. This is guaranteed to be an annoyance to any driver and to block traffic for months-- but wait there's more! The students will also learn how to make an ample amount of dust and dirt fly out of their newly built hole. This is guaranteed to suffocate any living thing around them and to blind any driver for miles around. In the second half ov the semester, students will learn to use deafening equipment.

The first Digging 101 class was a great success this semsster, digging a mamoth hole between Forest Roberts Theater, Thomas Fine arts, and Hedgcock.

RANDOM POOP

• People ask us why we spell the "F" word "F**K"-- because the U.C. is being renovated!
• Can we cut Bothers of X some slack? At least they're trying. Let's all give a BIG cheer to TV 6. So far they've asked us to pay for them, blacked out some pretty good shows, and have been a general pain in the ass. Not makin' too many friends this year, are they?
• A fond farewell to Ron Cipriano-- he's been here almost as long as we have. As long as we're making over Larry Alexander, let's not stop at giving him a haircut--let's burn that stupid 101 Dalmations Sweatshirt he's always wearing.
• You know the streaker wasn't a member of Project E*L*F, we all have Golden Apple tattoos on our right buttocks, plus we don't give a rip about volleyball.
• Ask the ASNMU rep who was a stripper (no, I'm not talking about former nude model, Brian Alsobrooks) who the streaker was. The Samuel Cohodas Administration Center used to be called a building until people started calling it the SCAB. So, the only way we can get the University Center Food Court to be called the Diane Seppanen (Novak)
• Memorial Cafeteria (like we all want) is if we start calling it the Ukfuk.
• Speaking of the Ukfuk who stole that pizza? Speaking of pizza, We'll probably get bitched at for being insensitive but how is it that fat people get handicapped parking stickers instead of losing weight? (The editor went to the diet couselor at the Health Center and he lost 40 pounds, so they must have something on the ball)
• We sent a letter to Tom Skoog, informing him that he couldn't retire until he took CP110. We knew you'd be pleased. Members of Society for the Preservation of Imagination get discounts on comics and paperback books-- That's what we heard.
• Note to WPUX: Enough with the Frank Zappa tribute already! It's not like you played him while he was alive. Victoria Anne Spady was born 17 November 1993 at 9:17 pm.
• The Library has really been pissing us off lately.
  1. Books returned to the library have not been reshelved! Common courtesy dictates that you return your books so other people can use them, but then they sit on carts until next semester!
  2. You can't check out a book when the computer is down? Come on! Libraries have been around for thousands of years, guys. They must have some system that doesn't involve one of those grocery store scanners.
  3. There are a lot of people hanging around the library that aren't doing anything. We don't mean the jocks who chat between spurts of work, we mean people who don't DO anything. (like that guy with the long beard in the blue jacket)
  4. Someone keeps tearing the covers off Rolling Stone dammit!
  5. They don't get the Utne Reader.

Remember, we assume all mail is intended for publication fnord unless otherwise stated. The opinions expressed in The...TRUTH are not necessarily those of Project E*L*F, its editors or advisors fnord, in fact, they're not necessarily even the opinions of the people who wrote the articles fnord. Prosecutors will be violated. Blessed Yule, Happy Hanukkah, Merry Xmas, hail Eris, all power to the poeple, and ban the f**king bomb.