Psychology Department Admits They "Just Don't Know"

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n  S h o r t z

MARQUETTE, MI -- The Psychology department at NMU has released their findings based on one year study, designed to find out what the hell is wrong with "these people".

   "It's sort of a disappointment," said department head Richard Smalzy. "We were kinda hoping to get a basic handle on this problem. And to be honest, we just don't know."

   For the last year, students working with a faculty team leader (Dr. Shotska, an Assistant Professor in experimental psychology in sensory neural - physiological psychology), have been compiling data from surveys and experiments. Many conclusions have been drawn about what kind of people "These People" are, but nothing can be proven to be the cause of making them that way.

   Smalzy admitted that there was no initial reason to believe that there was an excuse for "These People" and that sometimes a jerk was just a jerk, but public and professional demand for understanding allowed the research study to begin. "At first we didn't know where to begin," said Smalzy, "but we decided that since we have all seen at least one of 'These People' around in class or at work, that we would start by each trying to bring one of them into the lab. Well, you know how 'These People' can be.. most of them just told us off."

   The subjects who did agree to go in to take part in the experiment were subjected to several tests. During those tests some subjects were being put in the driver's seat in a car in the passing lane next to another car. Some were also asked to find a parking spot during the winter outside of NMU's library. Everyone of the subjects performed exactly as predicted, like the complete jerks they were. What frustrated students and faculty alike was that no reason could be found.

   "There are many areas of psychology, each attempting to explain in it's own particular way, behavior from a slightly different perspective. Social psychology is concerned with the effects of social situations on human behavior. Personality theorists study individual behavior. When you smack those two together, that's what we were trying to work with." Said Shotska.

   The department as also announced that since they were unable to benefit the local community by discovering a solution to "These People," they will be publishing a list of the names of those who took part in the experiment. This list will be submitted to all local media, allowing the community to try to avoid "These People."

   "It's the least we can do." said Smalzy.