New Keyboard To Be Issued With Laptops

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n   S h o r t z

MARQUETTE - In an attempt to make up for shortcuts in quality on the new Thinkpads, Northern Michigan University has incorporated Microsoft's new "laptop keyboard", intended to expand usability and increase the appearance of funtionality.

    This breakthrough piece of equipment, which is due to be handed out to all students this coming Fall with the laptops, features the only three keys any user actually needs when running the Windoze operating system. By eliminating all the other keys, Microsop was able to lower the price by $5.

    "If the students buy the larger of the several available carrying cases from the bookstore, they'll have plenty of room for this additional piece of equipment," said TLC dictator Fred Joyal. "It should fit right in next to the external floppy drive, power source, dust guard, mouse, instruction manuals and stress relieving squishy balls."

    Not only is the new keyboard easy to use, but administrators also say that installation only takes about 50 minutes. This is about 30 minutes less than the necessary memory upgrade.

    "Damn!" said business major and Sophmore Will Taikit. "This has got to be the best deal! I am so glad that I came to Enima U and not one of those low-tech, low-touch schools. I'm still waiting for some more touch, though."

    Not all students reacted positively to this new addition.

    "Sure, let's spend another couple of big ones on a piece of crap that we don't really need to use." said Maybill Laider, a Senior in the Art department. "It's not like the industry standard in my field is Macintosh or anything. It's not like this technology is going to distract me rather than help me. I've always wondered what I was going to do with all that spare time, but now I know I can spend it reformatting my blinkfad laptop. But, I suppose at least with this keyboard, it'll be easier to restart the damn thing when it crashes."

    Sami the Jerk, Technology Reporter for The...TRUTH (this week, anyway) was on hand during the first test installation of this wonderous piece of technology. He refused to submit any comment for publication, however, because of severe under-impressions.

    Tension in the student body seems to be growing as the laptop saturation day approaches, but local bars and pubs have promised to do their part in relieving that tension with liquid patience.

    "It's the least we can do for those poor schmuks." said John, the baddest bar tender in town.