Brother Of Wildcat Willy Found Dead

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n   S h o r t z

MARQUETTE - Many political figures have suffered the embarrasement of family, and our own Wildcat Willy is no different. Not long after the snow melted two weeks ago, Public Safety found the body of Ted Willy behind the Dome, with empty bottles and cigarette butts laying everywhere.

    At first, it was kept from the public, but yesterday Wildcat Willy held a press conference to announce this tragedy, in an attempt to show the honest side of our new ASNMU president. (Editor's Note: See last month's story on the ASNMU election)

    Rather than pay local contractors to remove the huge, bloaded body, NMU administration decided to take care of it themselves. They felt that in order to honor Wildcat Willy, and prevent any bad blood between the new ASNMU cabal and themselves, the best course of action was to pick up shovels themselves and put the body to rest.

    It took many hours of digging, but they were finally able to cover the body with enough dirt. "After a while, the lump will go away, as the body decomposes." said Public Safety director Greg Chant. "Then, all that will be left is a nice patch of really green grass, which goes with our school colors anyway, so it all works out."

    Proposals have been announced by ASNMU officials to dedicate the plot of land that Ted is fertilizing to student binge drinkers. The proposed cemetary would be called "Loser Lane" and would feature a distinct lack of head stones, so that friends and relatives of the deceased could forget about them as soon as possible.

    "I think it would be best," said Willy. "Who wants to remember the people that just bring us down? It's best that we just allow them to melt into the past, and take care of some plantlife while they're at it."