CD Issued With Laptops Found To Have Lethal Virus

A r t i c l e  b y  E t a n  S h o r t z

MARQUETTE, MI -- While many have been pleased with the new laptop program at Northern Michigan University, a recent oversight may hinder the warm fuzzy feelings had by some.

   The recent Windows ME update CD handed out to students participating in the laptop program contains a new surprisingly complicated version of the "I Love You" virus, called the "I'll say I love you but I don't really mean it and don't ever call me" virus. Not only does the virus erase contents on the infected computer, it then dials up to the mainframe in Cohodas and changes all the grades associated with that username to F's.

   "Well, it's not like I was getting an A in every class anyway." Said Junior Philosophy major Emanuel Kent. "At least this way it's someone else's fault."

   University officials have been unclear as to how long it will take to correct the changed grades.

   "We're still trying to determine if it can even be done." Said Judge Judy Bailif. "The problem is that there will always be someone trying to use this as an excuse to change grades that they earned by skipping class and drinking. It's better to flunk a few people than to risk passing people who don't deserve it."

   Part of the reason the virus was able to inflict such deep damage is that NMU is still running on 1970's technology. The older a system is, the easier it is to infiltrate.

   According to the head of Academic Computing who wished to have his name kept secret, no plans have yet been made for an upgrade. "...that would take money. We're spending all the money we have now trying to get the printers to work. You gotta pick and choose."

   The Health Center has promised to look into special CD condoms to help prevent future outbreaks.